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TV Review: Your Country Needs You

The final of Britain’s great white hope for the Eurvision song contest, Your Country Needs You, with Graham Norton presenting and Andrew Lloyd-Webber writing the song, is on as we speak.

I’m half-watching it. But just needed to take the time out before the winner is announced to blog about it. It’s totally the wrong idea for what the Eurovision is in 2009. The show lacks oomph. Take for example, the first girl, Jade, who came out and sang a flaccid version of ‘Lady Marmalade’, a song which should ooze sex. Like when Christina, Mya, Kim and co. did it for Baz Luhrmann a few years back. The song was made totally asexual, and the lyrics became “Will you sing with me tonight?”. How dismal.

The Gary Barlow lookalike has a decent voice, but is also quite bland. The only hope Britain have is in the Twins. And that’s only because they’re pretty and thus have a selling factor. However, they’ve been paired with a song penned by Lord Llyod-Webber which can only be descibed as “boring”. The melody and all is excellent, but it never moves out of third gear, and the “this is our time” message of it seems like the poor cousin of ‘Three Lions’. Now there was a Song for Britain you could get behind. It was filled with oomph.

But in this half-jury half-bloc vote Eurovision, they have half a chance. With the jury. I can tell you now, after seeing last year’s show, a black person has no hope of winning. Eastern Europe isn’t forward thinking enough for that. (Sorry Latvian readers, but I’ve been over your way, and a lot of you are quite racist.) Sure just take the “No Irish” signs on Polish building sites. And the monkey chants in Bulgarian football.

There will be plenty of better looking males from the Med, so you have to vote for those two girls. And then when they get on stage, they better be wearing almost nothing. Otherwise UK, you’ve no hope.

Oh, and Ireland’s search will be even worse.

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