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Welcome to my liveblog for the final of Eurovision 2010 taking place in Oslo. Never mind Marty Whelan or Graham Norton, this is the place to be. Here’s my song by song opinion…
Azerbaijan: ‘Drip Drop’ is the song, I think the first half of it may be intended for the UK entry Josh Dubovie. It’s a ballad. My gran likes it. No seriously, she does. She’s here watching it with me.
Spain: Hey, Daniel Digres, I’mma let you finish, but ‘Puppet on a String’ is the best marionette song ever.
Norway: Hosting the Eurovision is expensive, so you’d never try to win two years in a row. How else can you explain this travesty?
Moldova: SunStroke Project sounds like a dj, but the resulting ballady nonsense has all the pain implied by the artist’s name. (ooooh, burn!)
Cyprus: The only hope the UK have is with this Welsh guy. Surely he could afford to buy a new guitar with all the exposure the Eurovision giv… Oh wait.
Bosnia and Herzegovina: I totally missed this song. Pee break. These things need to be done. Especially since you need to have about twelve whiskeys to actually hear songs in tune.
Belgium: ‘Me and My Guitar’. A sitar would’ve been more interesting, or maybe a pipe, but Ireland already has that down. Wait and see…
Serbia: Unpronouncable title? Tick. A song about vodka? Tick. Bomb under the stage? Tick.
Belarus: ‘Butterflies’ is the song, and oh wait, they turn into Butterflies half way through. To be honest I prefer the Crazy Town original.
Ireland: Do we actually expect this song to do anything? It needs a crescendo worthy of Westlife. Shane Filan needs to teach someone the art of key change.
Greece: A man dressed entirely in white is never a good idea. Remember the bodybuilder Jason in Big Brother a few years back? This is what he’s doing now.
United Kingdom: ‘That Sounds Good to Me’. I’m glad Josh, because from where I’m standing you’re even more out of tune than your backing singers.
Georgia: ‘Shine’. So close. One letter. So close.
Turkey: I just don’t get the angle grinder halfway through. Surely she knew after Thursday’s semi final that if she put that costume on again she’d have a hell of a time getting it off.
Albania: I don’t think there was anything memorable about this tune. Rats. Shoulder pads straight from the 80s. I think Juliana and our own Niamh might be having a shoulder off at the interval.
Iceland: Her surname is Bjork. That’s where the comparison ends. Maybe she’s channeling the former Sugarcubes singer. She could well be in there. There’s definitely something inside so strong.
Ukraine: Fact fans: This song didn’t actually win the Song for Ukraine, another one by this same girl did, but it was already under licence. It had to be better than this.
Framce: ‘Allez Ola Ole’ sounds like a World Cup song. Rub it in you pricks.
Romania: The piano shoots fire halfway through. Woo. Shania Twain’s sister barely fits into that leather. Garish.
Russia: He’s singing to a “photo”? Is that not a drawing? Translation obviously isn’t his strong point. Singing isn’t either though…
Armenia: Pervy cameraman really focused on her “necklace” there. The Icelandic volcano is back – as a backing singer. What is with the Big Mommas at this year’s Eurovision?
Germany: The favourite, at least it was the other day. Did she just say “dyke”? Her accent doesn’t suit singing, sounds like she’s got phlegm, a lot of it. We need a doctor over here!
Portugal: According to Marty they’ve never won before. Nothing’s going to change tonight. I’m not sure which sounds more like Harry Nilsson, this or the Irish one.
Israel: Next year’s contest may well be like a Glee episode – see who can do the best take on Christina Aguilera. Even the fellas want to be her. Oooh shiny. Lucky I was looking at the shine, the dire tuning problems didn’t seem so bad.
Denmark: God that dude is so freaky looking. Love his 1980s Jon Bon Jovi hairdo though. Such a rip off of ‘Every Breath You Take’. Ahhh, that’s what it is, not Jon Bon Jovi’s hair, it’s Sting’s!
Spain2: We got to hear it all over again. Eurovision has rules for replays. Are you watching Sepp Blatter?
Seriously how many reminders do we need of the songs? Especially as Netherland’s earworm ‘Shalalie’ didn’t make it.
The interval was fairly impressive, apart from the repetitiveness of the Norweigan Coolio.
In-House poll, ‘How many points will Ireland get?’
Here are the results of the Irish vote: byeeeeeeeeeee!
So after 6 judges/public votes we’re in the lead, with 2. No wait, that’s not the lead. At least we have more than that poor Welsh fella for Cyprus. They have nothing, along with Belarus.
19 Countries in, Ireland second bottom with 6, UK have 7. Germany way out in front with 122. Marty sounds like he’s going to cry. It’s amusing. But unless we move Ireland into the Mediterranean or the Black Sea, we won’t get any votes.
I can’t believe people are shocked we’re doing badly. (a) we have one neighbour, and (b) have you heard the song? Total yawnfest.
That’s it, it’s over, Lena has won for Germany with ‘Satellite’, It was the favourite, so not that much of a shock. See you all next year…