Ireland are one of the acts in Semi-Final 2 for Eurovision 2011 in Dusseldorf, and will be facing some fine entries (some awful ones too). Here’s the next instalment of my Eurovision 2011 preview.
MACEDONIA: Vlatko Ilievski – ‘Rusinka’ / ‘Русинкa’ / ‘Russian girl’
Ireland’s footballing enemies have a 60% Macedonian, 39% English, and 1% Russian song – just two words in Russian, begging for points if you ask me! Something to do with vodka too. Terrible song altogether. Complete tripe. A Kevin Doyle comeback goal is inevitable though.
If ‘Rusinka’ was a past Irish entry, it would be: Eddie Friel ‘Dreamin’ (1995). Remember this song? It’s the one that sounded like some other one, a real-life ‘My Lovely Horse’ if you will. No-one will be suing Vlatko though, who’d want to admit to sounding that bad?
ISRAEL: Dana International – ‘Ding Dong’
Dana is back. No, not the MEP one from the west. The tranny one from the West Bank. Amazingly it’s thirteen years since she won. She’ll be waiting longer too, as this song is fairly bad. ‘Diva’ was a million times better.
If ‘Ding Dong’ was a past Irish entry, it would be: Dana ‘All Kinds of Everything’ (1970). They’re both winners. They both have the same name. That’s about it.
SLOVENIA: Maja Keuc – ‘No One’
Want to know what wailing and whinging for three minutes sounds like? Well, go to an Irish wake. Or else tune into the second semi-final to hear this car-crash of a song. I really hope she has those backing dancers next week. Brutal.
If ‘No One’ was a past Irish entry, it would be: Dawn Martin ‘Is Always Over Now?’ (1998). Ah a nice ballad. This marked the beginning of the end of Irish success at the Eurovision. We never recovered from this one.
ROMANIA: Hotel FM – ‘Change’
The Romanian Muse. Ah no, more like their version of A1. Yes, that good. Ah this song isn’t that bad, and is bound to appeal to the teens and former teens who had Donny Osmond on their wall. Awwww.
If ‘Change’ was a past Irish entry, it would be: Luv Bug ‘You Can Count On Me’ (1986). Quite a fast song, but nice and ballady enough to appeal to Eurovision audiences. Came 4th too, so not too shabby.
ESTONIA: Getter Jaani – ‘Rockefeller Street’
A real Europop number this one, but Getter makes Miley Cyrus look edgy. Actually, Cyrus has good songs. So she wouldn’t go anywhere near the atrocity. Yawn.
If ‘Rockefeller Street’ was a past Irish entry, it would be: Donna and Joe ‘Love?’ (2005). Trying to get down with the kids. The kids knew it was terrible. No-one voted for it. Expect the same to happen here.